Tuesday, November 6, 2007

I used to like him and I hate myself for it

Lance Armstrong playing the Dating-Age-Limbo Game. And winning.

"Ashley Olsen has been spotted exchanging affections with cycling champion Lance Armstrong, sparking speculation of a romance.

The unlikely couple-- with 15 years between them-- enjoyed an intimate evening at the Gramercy Park Hotel bar in New York on Monday night, according to reports.

A source tells Page Six, 'They came together with a group of friends. Ashley drank red wine, sat on his lap and they were making out all night. They left together around 2 a.m.'"

It's the latest in a slew of flings for Armstrong. "I really like those little bony chicks, you know?" said the Captain of Faggotry. "I mean, I knew her sister had the whole anorexia thing, so I'm hopeful we can steer her in the same direction."

Armstrong had previously cheated on his wife with apeish pop-squealer Sheryl Crow, who supplanted Armstrong's wife on the Tour de France stage. "Sheryl was great timing," said the retired cyclist. "I mean, my wife was the one who nursed me through the terrible battle with cancer, so after I got better, seeing her always reminded me of the bad times. I don't need that-- much better to chase some strange ass when you're on top of the world, am I right?"

Olsen was superlatively giggly of the attention. "I remember when he had that cancer, or HIV or whatever it was, because I was in fourth grade at the time, and my mom thought he was cute. Well, actually it wasn't fourth grade, because I dropped out after second grade to be a star." The impossibly whoreish Olsen smiled impishly to reporters, and continued, "I'm going back to school though, cause it's important, right? I mean, I know. So I'm gonna get that eighth grade diploma, hopefully sometime in 2020. Wait, is that a year? I thought that was like, vision or something."

Armstrong was confident of the pair's future. "I realized when I won my seventh Tour de France in a row that I can do anything, man. I mean, I really can. I dated this tennis chick for a while, sandwiched between Sheryl and Ashley-- I mean timewise (God, wouldn't that be nice)-- I can run the New York marathon, I can hang out with Matthew McConaughy and crush ass in SoCal, and yes, I can get with this 90-pound waif of a harlot. Don't doubt me."

The famous balding toolbag had only one worry. "Plus dude, I gotta pass on these genes however I can. Because I've only got one nut, dude. I better get crackin."

Experts speculate that the pair's potential offspring would have larger-than-average hearts, negligible intelligence, cadaverous eye-sockets and bounteous egos.

"Yeah, our kids would be the best man, the best. Especially cause of me," said Armstrong.

"What? What's that? An average baby weighs like, more than me, though, right?" said Olsen. "I don't think I could even vomit one out of my belly. Or wait, you don't poop them, do you? That would be sooo gross."

Armstrong didn't reply, just winked to reporters and put on really cool sunglasses before the two resumed canoodling.


Simply Curious said...

Beats the other Olsen twin dry humping on Weeds...

tiff said...

Why do I feel like the follow up article will be "Tour De France Winner Breaks Olsen Twin in Half During Tantric Sex"

A Lil' Irish Lass said...

I share your Lance Armstrong loathing. I think he was a tremendous dirtbag to ditch his wife, who so valiantly stood beside him throughout his multiple battles with cancer.

This post was awesome.