Wednesday, November 7, 2007

The absolute zenith of mixed signals

First, I would like to say the following: telling me that there is a surprise ending to a movie "but I won't tell you what it is!" is almost as bad as telling me. And then giving me a paper cut right on my butt so it stretches out every time I sit down. And you soak all my underpants with lemon juice that gets in it.

Because, duh! when I'm watching the movie, I'm going to be guessing what the twist at the end. Surprise!!! Well, no, not really; I knew it was coming even if I didn't know what it was. "It's a surprise ending, so don't let anyone ruin it for you."

Well, dick, it's too late.

Fidelity is out this season.

Women in a Nepal mountain village have been mailing condoms to their husbands working overseas to protect them from sexually transmitted diseases, a news report said Tuesday.

My only question about this whole situation is how awkward do you think the first conversation is when he gets back?

Husband: "Hi! Oh, I love you. Great to see you!"

Wife: "I love you too. We missed you!"

Husband: "Yeah, I missed you all too. I wish there was an easier way to have made some money."

Wife: "Me too. But I really appreciate that you did it. I know it must have been hard."

Husband: "I know it was hard for you, too."

[kiss]

Wife: "It's good to have you back... So did you get letters we sent?"

Husband: "Yeah, yeah. Thanks, they were great. A real pick-me-up on some rotten days."

Wife: "Good... good."

Husband: "Yeah."

Wife: "So did you get the condoms we sent you?"

Husband: "Um, the what? I mean, yeah, yeah, I got those."

Wife: "Oh."

Husband: "Yeah, they were um... yeah, so. Why did you send them to me?"

Wife: "Well, you know, the Caspian Sea's not the same place it used to be..."

Husband: "Oh. Yeah."

Wife: "Yi got elected class treasurer last month."

Husband: "Did he? That's great. Way to go, bud."

Yi: "Thanks, dad."

Wife: "The Changs got a new donkey."

Husband: "How about that. I remember them talking about that."

Wife: "So, about those condoms. How many other women did you nail on you stupid extended business trip, huh?"

Ok, I am sorry. That was even awkward to write. I'm sure it was awkward to read, if you even made it through that crap. Whew. I'm uncomfortable now.

And then on the way home, our little Nepalese family is driving along...

When all of a sudden, a 600 pound cow comes screaming down from a 200-foot cliff and lands on their tiny hatchback, killing all three occupants.

See? Isn't a surprise ending better when you don't know it's coming? I mean, damn, that could practically be an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

1 comment:

Jacob said...

He wakes up in a mausoleum in Mexico wearing a white suit...