Well, Tiff threw a meme out there, and unoriginal little soul that I am, I decided to go ahead and resort to it.
Hello, I am Fort Knocks’s blog. I don’t know my own name, since I’m alternately referred to as Impatiens and Pellinore. I guess Pellinore was a goofy king from Arthurian legend and Impatiens is a kind of semi-edible flower. I have no idea what those two have to do with each other; maybe Fort Knocks has schizophrenia. Or at least ADD, hopefully. Anyway, I’m 6’2”, have a white beard and receding hairline, and I like mutton.
How would you really describe yourself?
I probably wouldn’t. Or I would be excessively boastful and hope people thought it was sarcastic, self-deprecating and cute (when really I’m just an arrogant prick). See? Like that.
What motivated you to start blogging and what do you hope to accomplish with your blog?
I was bored, and my sister had one, so I said “what the hell?” This is what I say immediately before most of my worst decisions. I hope to conquer the world and garner a lucrative shoe endorsement contract from Nike.
Why did you pick your blog name, is there a story behind that?
I changed it a couple of times. It used to be called “Turning the Cornered,” and then it was “Corner” for a little bit. Now I guess I think “Impatiens” just sounds cool. Plus Dean Koontz uses the word a lot, and I sort of have a crush on him.
Name 3 of your favourite/best beauty buys you’ve ever purchased, and why?
1. I bought shampoo in college once, when my roommates told me to stop using theirs.
2. I got a hair clippers/buzzer thing for Christmas.
3. That’s all. So since they’re the only two, I guess they’re the best two.
You have $1000, where would you go (which stores), why, and what would you look for?
I do have a thousand dollars. But I have far more than a thousand dollars in debt. Ok, that’s a boring answer. I guess I would go to Kohl’s, but first I would go to the Army store and buy a flamethrower with the thousand dollars so I could burn Kohl’s down because they sold me a suit with a missing button, and I didn’t notice and my mom did and I was embarrassed.
What’s on your “need-to-buy” list at the moment?
Socks. I swear.
Pick 1 dish you could eat forever, for the rest of your life. (5 if you really cannot decide)
Chicago-style deep dish pizza with sausage, spinach, pepperoni, onions and peppers. I would seriously have no problem with that.
Do you have a signature style, fragrance, accessory? If so, why, what made you choose it, and how does it make you feel?
Are you serious? I borrowed my cousin’s cologne a couple of times. Oh, wait! I have a breast cancer bracelet that I’ve been wearing for the last year and a half. It’s kind of yellow-peach by now, but whatever. Lay off, my mom had cancer. It makes me feel like it’s too small, because it is.
What is your go-to, fail-safe outfit for work, and for play?
For work: pants and a button-down shirt.
For play: jeans and a button-down shirt.
I guess being a guy is really easy. Or at least being a lazy guy.
What is the one gadget or item that you absolutely could not live without?
My phone? I think I’m the most boring person in the world. I hate this survey for making me realize it.
What are the top 3 most frustrating things about going shopping?
1. Buying a suit without a button and not noticing and having your mom notice and being embarrased.
2. That was the only time I’ve ever been shopping.
Well, it’s been nice knowing you all. Realizing what an uninteresting person I am has been a painful, but necessary process. I am going to go kill myself now.
No, wait! Salvation! Maybe I’m only boring when I’m talking about myself. Maybe I’m just not shallow enough to dither about what I like and don’t like for pages upon entertaining pages. Maybe I’m more interested in issues around me and outside me. Maybe I’m a gold-hearted philanthrope. So maybe all the rest of you self-involved losers should go kill yourselves. And then write a really entertaining blog about how you felt at the time to try to penetrate my self-righteousness. Good luck.
In the meantime, any of you who feel like it, have a crack at the meme. I won't be jealous of your interestingnessitude, I promise. Well, not that jealous.