Friday, March 28, 2008

OMGWTF The Best Idea Ever

I just had the best idea ever.

"Really?" you say, because you are a skeptical punk-ass.

Yes, really.

It's sort of like a meme, I guess; it's sort of like a blogger meet-up; it's sort of like a dragon cage-match jello-wrestling berserkery. And it's awesome.

It's DWI. Drink. Work. Inform.

Step 1: On a designated day, all participating bloggers will wake up an extra half hour early and consume a minimum of three alcoholic beverages. Then go to work. (Genius so far, or what?)

Step 2: Funny and/or inappropriate things will happen at work. This is bound to happen, right? Or at least the work day will be a little more interesting.

Step 3: Everyone who did it goes back to their computer and tells us about it! Inform us! DWI!!!

And don't tell me you can't do it. That would be weak sauce. Eat an altoid if you're worried about your breath. And just imagine the feeling, sitting at your desk on the appointed day, nursing a little buzz and feeling that indescribably satisfying connection with other bloggers across the country. DWI, baby!

I thought everyone could post an announcement of their participation, and then take votes in the comments section for what kind of drink they'll get to enjoy... and I was thinking, maybe April 9th? An innocuous Wednesday? Except it isn't innocuous... It's DWI!

Or maybe I'm just an alcoholic. But seriously, I think it could work. One day, one shot, what a memory!

So tell your friends! Tell your readers! Don't tell your coworkers!

Monday, March 24, 2008

Christ is risen; he is risen indeed! Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia

Happy Easter to all you believers out there, and as for ye heathens, I’ll say a prayer for you that you don’t burn in eternal hellfire.

Christians have just got to be psyched this week. I mean, if you really believe that Jesus literally died and then somehow ROSE FROM THE DEAD, how can that not change your life? Am I right? So thank you to the one true Catholic Church for preserving the glorious tradition, and thanks to the Jews for their work in the B.C., and also for crucifying the Messiah – because, duh, he wouldn’t have been able to rise if they hadn’t killed him.

I really love being Catholic because we’re right, because we don’t have to bother with reconciling inconsistencies in our faith (there aren’t any), and because there’s so much to get excited about: Christ really rose from the dead, Confession can really forgive your sins, and our sermons are shorter! It’s win-win-win!

I popped this line of excited reasoning on some fallen-away Catholic at the bar on Saturday after the Easter Vigil mass, and he ate it up. He didn’t even get offended when I told him he’d lost his faith… my exact words, I believe, were these: “I mean, I still have my faith, and you’ve lost your faith, but, you know, you’re still a person.”

He said, “right, right.”

But then I told a racist joke, and apparently we weren’t advanced enough in our relationship for that kind of intimacy (intimate relationships are all about judging others), so he tried to fight me, but I was in a peaceable mood and he eventually cooled off. We did shots, but then he started getting weird again when I told him I would pray extra hard for him. I guess I just don’t understand non-believers. Jameson, on the other hand, I understand full well.

But enough bar talk.

I’ve had an interesting development lately. Nothing as interesting as getting fired from my job or growing a fourth testicle—I mean, a third—but intriguing nonetheless.

Foreign people (here we go stereotyping again – isn’t it fun?) seem to have a big thing for pigsex. Ever since I happened to mention that a couple of times in this post, the foreigners have been flocking to this blog in droves. It’s pretty creepy.

At my last count, folks from no fewer than 26 foreign countries ended up on that post after searching “pigsex” or some derivative thereof on Google. That’s more than puzzling, that’s disturbing. I mean, they can’t all be swine-breeders, can they?

Most of them are in and out in a blink, probably because they don’t speak English. But one guy from Uzbekistan sent me an email that said: “You pigsex section is disappointing.” Well, anonymous Uzbeki, I’m glad it was, I really am.

Then I said a prayer for him too. Jackass.

Just today, I realized something—and I want to leave you with this… possibly the most profound thought that I’ve ever had:

I can only sympathize with masochism when I’m pooping.

Happy Easter.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Obama and Clinton: An Objective Take

I believe that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton may well be agents of the Prince of Darkness, Satan himself. So let’s discuss the campaign rationally, shall we?

This Democratic primary campaign has been the longest and most hotly contested since 1968, when Jimmy Carter stole the nomination from Grover Cleveland, who was killed in the Haymarket Riots, only to lose to Barry Goldwater in the general election in a stunning upset. Carter was stunned and upset.

This year’s campaign is proving to be just as shocking and vicious. A Yahoo! news story today refers to ‘an Obama campaign memo from last summer that criticized Sen. Clinton’s ties to India, referring to her as the “Democrat from Punjab.”’ Such politicking is of course disgraceful—Obama, who harps himself as the squeaky-clean candidate of change, should refrain from such “jabs” and leave the “poon” out of it. Above the belt, please, sir!

Hillary, on the other hand, has been no better, repeatedly calling Obama “the dark-horse candidate,” a clear reference to his abnormally long face and blackness. In my opinion, although the racism is cool, Hillary should steer clear of mudslinging campaigns, because she probably throws like a girl—and besides, calling Obama ugly? Has Hillary looked in a mirror lately? Can you say “ugliest woman since Tom Petty”? She looks like a gargoyle on speed.

In stark contrast, Obama truly could be the face of the party… seriously, he looks like a donkey… or at least a mule. Ever notice that? The long narrow cheeks, the protrusive ears and the flattened muzzle? You know what I’m talking about.

But we should steer away from such trivialities as physical appearances. This race is about substance. What do the candidates stand for? Well, they both like high taxes, cut-and-run foreign policy, affirmative action and gay marriage… but where do they disagree? What makes them unique?

Well, Obama is the candidate of change. Change from? What we have now. Change to? He doesn’t really know. But making a decision, taking a stand, could alienate people. As long as thousands of dumbasses keep flocking to his camp, why bother mentioning what you actually stand for, right? The following is the pro-Obama argument that is seriously galvanizing the nation:

“Yes, we can!”

You can what?

“Yes we CAN!”

What? What can you do?

“Change! We can change!”

What are you changing to? How do you want things to be?

“Yes we can!”

You can…? You can want things?

“Yes we can!”

Wait, what can you do?

“Shut up, that’s not the point. The point is that Yes We Can!”

And that’s why Obama is on such a tear. Because truly, it is impossible to win an argument with his supporters. The fact that his supporters are irrational, that his popularity is a product of hype, a whirlwind of delirium and hero-worship is irrelevant. Their most recent campaign slogan: “You don’t have to be rational to vote, do you? Vote Obama.” The Black Eyed Peas are expected to release a music video on that theme in the near future.

And Hillary? What makes her unique? Hillary is the “establishment candidate?” which basically means that she likes family-style restaurant “establishments,” expanding government “establishments,” and pandering to rich Democrats.

Also, did we mention she is ugly and has huge teeth? She looks sort of like a beaver who just finished building her dam, only the dam is built of crack. And some of it is still in her cheeks.

The unfortunate thing is that Hillary’s backing from “the establishment” means Obama is destined to be shot to death at a campaign appearance by a “deranged dissenter unaffiliated with the Clinton campaign,” just like Bobby Kennedy when he ran against Bill Clinton in 1988.

Clinton will climb the White House throne, stopping only to tether Bill in the front yard where he can pose for cameras and have guilt-free sex with despondent Obama groupies. The tradition of Bush, Clinton, Bush, Clinton will continue. In 2016, Jeb Bush’s son, George Bush III (not making him up), will be elected, and California will declare independence. In 2020, Chelsea Clinton will be elected and my head will explode.

Except oh wait, McCain is going to win, actually. Because he kicks ass. And Hillary and Barack suck.

You guys know I’m right, right?

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Let's try this one again

Ok, so maybe the last ones were a little too hard, so this time I'm going to put twenty instead of ten but make them easier (hopefully).

Let's say everyone can get up to three guesses if you want 'em. Or maybe four. Don't just go down the whole list, because that's gay, and by gay I mean homosexual.

Besides, this is a good game.

Movie Quotes, Take Two... Action!

1. “Let’s kick the tires and light the fires, big daddy.” Independence Day -Asiankp

2. “Betsy said we had to break up or get married, so we got married.” Sleepless in Seattle --Crystal

3. “Run, Luke, run.” Star Wars -Crystal

4. “Run, Forrest, run.” Forrest Gump -Margarita

5. “I’m sorry, is that funny to you? Are you a comedian? Is that what you do now? …This is me leaving. This is me leaving.” Old School -Tiff

6. “Whatever comes out of these gates, we’ve got a better chance of survival if we work together. Do you understand? If we stay together, we survive.” Gladiator -Jacob

7. “I want to hear you say that you don’t love me. Because if you say that, then I won’t call you, and I won’t be in your life…” Good Will Hunting -Asiankp

8. “I hope you rot in hell, ya loser! You don’t deserve a car!” Kingpin -Jacob

9. “Jordan fades back; swoosh! And that’s the game! Nothing further, Your Honor.” Liar Liar -Asiankp

10. “There’s a monster outside my room can I have a glass of water?” Signs -Tiff, confirmed by Jacob

11. “No water, no thank you. No, fish make love in it. Thank you so much. No, I don’t like that. No, I really don’t want… No, no, thank you very much. No, thank you, madam. I’m a vegetarian.” Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade -Peter

12. “What we need to do here is drive the dagger home. Prepare yourself, Drew. I... am... an agent from the Internal Revenue Service.” Meet Joe Black -Peter

13. “First off, let me give another congratulations to Evan Backstabber- pardon me, Bastard… Baxter, rather! It’s good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me.” Bruce Almighty -Asiankp

14. “The window of opportunity to drink and do drugs and take advantage of young girls is growing smaller by the day.” Road Trip -Tiff

15. “Nice man, very smooth! Shit that’s a shame, that was a nice jeep.” Black Hawk Down -Peter

16. “Your boy, Captain America, here. ‘The best of the best of the best, sir!’…‘With honors.’ He’s just really excited, and he has no clue why we’re here. That’s very funny to me… Y’all ain’t laughing, though.” Men in Black -Jacob

17. “Good for the Widow Talan!” The Quiet Man -Crystal

18. “Yeah, but there’s no crease in the paper. When your mom hands you a note to miss school, the first thing you do is, you fold it and you put it in your pocket. I mean, if it’s real, where’s the crease?” Catch Me If You Can -Margarita

19. “Yeah, the last few years have been really hard. Yeah, I helped my former husband start his business and as soon as he gets a little money, he starts screwing around. The he left me for a 20-year-old he met at the gym. Yeah, I walked in on them at a motel in La Jolla. She’s got him naked and handcuffed to the bed. So we divorced, I remarried, then this new one, Bob, he starts falling apart. And it’s just one shitstorm after the other.” Orange County -Jacob

20. “I mean, when I think about my new life and all the exciting things I'm doing, and then I think about what her life must be like—probably still getting up at 5:30 in the morning to pursue her pathetic little dreams—it just makes me sad. I mean where is she really trying to get to anyway? What is she doing in that limo? Who the fuck does she think she is?!”

Monday, March 10, 2008

Movie-Quote Guessage

So here's a fun thing from Jon and Winter. If the quotes are too hard for you, well... get over it. If you cheat, Santa will rape you.

Here are the rules:
1. Pick 10 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDB and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. GUESSERS: NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions.
5. One movie guess per blogger.
6. Put your guesses in the comments.

Oh, except that's retarded. I'm not going to IMDB, I'm just using quotes that I know. So here we go.

1. "I really hate that man." Jurassic Park -Jacob's rule-breaking ass

2. "Punch the fucking keys! ...You're the man now, dog." Finding Forrester -Crystal and Tiff

3. "How long you been wearing such tight pants?" That Thing You Do -asiankp

4. "I am your uncle, Argyle." Braveheart -Jon

5. "They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that."

6. "I'm from Michigan." Mean Girls -Tiff

7. "Did someone call for a doctor?" Ocean's Eleven -Jacob

8. "I was a child. I was in love."
"I can only say I'm sorry so many times."
"Yeah, well why don't you say it again!!"
"I'm sorry." Raiders of the Lost Ark -Crystal

9. "So what I told you was true... from a certain point of view." Return of the Jedi -Jacob (sucks)

10. "No green pepper, no tomato." Sabrina -asiankp, impressive

Ok, fine, so they're really hard. Apply yourself, you lazy ass.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

The following statement is false: the previous statement is true.

You tell yourself it’s going to be ok, it’s all going to be fine.

It’s a habit we get into from trying to comfort other people: “Aww, hey, hey, it’s all going to be ok. It’s going to be fine.” And it’s easy enough to say it to the other people, easy enough to believe what you’re telling them—because you really have no idea. You don’t know whether everything is really going to work out for that person, you just want to make them feel better, so you make an optimistic guess and pass it off as prognostication.

That’s how the habit starts. It starts from telling other people “it’s going to be ok,” and then we get used to that kind of unjustified optimism because we’re convinced that it really helps people feel better, and what else are we supposed to do?

Then, because we’ve trained ourselves to accept the irrationality of the impulse, we start telling to ourselves, whispering or thinking, that it’s all going to be ok, that everything will work out for the best. When we’re most nervous, or when we’re really genuinely scared about the progress of our lives or the well-being of our loved ones, we slip back to that same hollow knee-jerk reaction.

It can give us some comfort sometimes, wrap us up in a blanket of illusion, protect us from the truth. Because really, truly, sometimes it’s not going to be ok. Sometimes it’s not all going to be fine.

Sometimes bad things happen to good people, sometimes good people do bad things, sometimes the ceiling that we thought was unmovable and indestructible comes crashing down on our heads in a shower of shards, broken. Sometimes bad chapters are written in our autobiographies and we suddenly realize that we aren’t the authors like we thought, and we can’t even go back to erase what was written. Sometimes there is real damage that cannot be undone. Sometimes it’s not ok.

Then the lies we tell ourselves, the foolish misplaced optimism vanishes, burned off like a low fog in the noon sun. It shrivels in front of us, mocking our belief in itself, exposing itself with pagan delight as a false idol of human thought, seizing its own last moment of existence in our mind and twisting the knife with its last strength before it returns to the abyss of nonexistence from which we were foolish enough to summon it.

We are left empty, called out by ourselves as liars.

Sometimes it seems like everyone is thinking the same thing, but we all still think it’s not right to say it, that it’s somehow impolite or abrasive or scandalous to the other people, even though we know they’re thinking it already. He knows. I know. We both know that the other knows—but somehow we’re afraid to say anything.

This reluctance to face the facts is the flipside of the lie. Instead of saying what we both know, we look in each other’s eyes and say “it’s all going to be ok.” We start out down a path of denial because we don’t want to face the hurt just yet, we want to hold onto the status quo, stretch the bubble as long as we can before it bursts.

Usually, it only makes the burst bigger, the fall harder. Usually it exposes us to ourselves as both timid and manipulative, afraid to face the truth but bold enough to bend it. The lie serves us no purpose in the end, only moves us heavily toward disintegration. Because sometimes it’s not all ok.

At least that’s what I’ve heard. For me, everything’s always been fine. But I feel bad for those other dudes sometimes.