Friday, August 31, 2007

So very rude

On Wednesday, I told a girl at a bar, who had a pretty big nose she was probably pretty self-conscious about (the girl had a big nose, not the bar), the following:

"Has anyone ever told you that you look like Kellie Pickler but with a bigger nose? Yeah, you look like Kellie Pickler, only with that nose you have." And I didn't even realize I was being rude. But neither did she apparently, because that comment was only a small part of perhaps the most successful wingman-running-interference-operation I have ever been involved with. maybe ever seen.

But I guess the moral of the story is: "when it's worth having someone point out a physical flaw as long as they tell you you look like someone famous, you know you will be easy to run interference on."

Pet peeves

Quite honestly, I'm not big on pet peeves. Things don't really tend to get under my skin very often. When someone asks me what bothers me most, I usually say, "umm, unngghh, raw tomatoes, uhh, bad drivers, glundkkh um, being really thirsty, indecisiveness... I don't know." I don't like those things, but none of them really get on me. Nevertheless, inspired by a co-worker, I will now compile the list of my top ten pet peeves.

1. When there is so much snow on a windshield that the wipers can't get all the way down, and just scunch against the snow.
2. When boogers look like green plastic and you think maybe it's a broken piece of lego.
3. People who complain about drama, and end up making a big deal about how they hate when someone makes a big deal of anything.
4. No toilet paper.
5. People who don't think I'm awesome.
6. Clogged sinuses.
7. splinters.
8. the thought of an old bald man scraping his head on a chalkboard, and the skin slides right off.
9. oh, no, what if aliens attack
10. fat people.

Very unoriginal, and a little snarky, but what can I say, that's me.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

on a pretentiousness scale of 1 to 10

I think it would be a 9.5 if people replaced the word 'person' with 'personality.' Observe:

So I was in the car with one other personality, ...

She's impatient sometimes, but she's a good personality.

No, I don't follow baseball. I'm not really a baseball personality.

Or, better yet,

No, personalitily, I don't care for it.

Inaccurate as they all are, I think they are even more snooty.

I better start doing that.

By the way, do you ever get something really stinky on your finger, and instead of washing it off, you just sniff it periodically, as if to reassure yourself, "yup, still smells pretty effin nasty." I have something on my left ring finger right now, and I don't know where it came from, but it sure smells like poo. mmmwhoo! I just smelled it again, and it is gross. Maybe it's a sign of a curse that I will never find marital bliss. Maybe it is getting on my keyboard every time I type the letter S. sssssssss. Maybe I should go up to some random personality and ask them to smell it.

Monday, August 13, 2007

I couldn't help wondering

when I was reading through some random blogs "how many of these people have killed themselves since writing this?" And I'm not sorry, because... I'm just not.

I mean this moaning and griping, are you serious? It makes me smile, because, I mean, stop being such a whiner, right? Here's the deal, all you depressed people: don't say, "I wish someone cared about me and could tell me so," because all you'll get is a manufactured response. Maybe write something interesting. Then people will want to talk to you. Being depressed is not attractive. So snap out of it. Get a life. Stop being such a loser. You're a dork. Maybe you should just kill yourself.

I hope you found this encouraging, if you didn't kill yourself already. There is always hope that you can stop being who you are and be someone else who is not so annoying.