Wednesday, July 16, 2008

When people stop being polite and start being "get me Robitussin"

People who know how to write well say, “write what you know.” But that can be difficult for people like me who don’t know very much, and don’t have very interesting lives. I’m kidding, of course. Nothing is difficult for me.

And because nothing is difficult, I can write about what I know, or I can just make up stories. Did you know I make up a bunch of the stories on here? It’s true. Like the one about the naked chick on the beach, and the Supreme Court justices running down the street with guns, and the awkward conversation with my coworker, and really hating BlogHer, and that one about the guy getting arrested, and about wearing silk underpants.

I hope that doesn’t bother you. No, let me rephrase: that shouldn’t really bother you, should it? It’s not like we’re best friends and I lied to you. Sure, a story might not have happened, but it could have.

That’s one reason I didn’t get the big flap over the guy James Frey who wrote the book and called it a memoir, but then it turned out he changed a bunch of details, and he was on Oprah and then everyone hated him for it… why? They didn’t know him – so who cares if the story really happened or if it’s just a story. If it’s a good story, it’s a good story. That’s what I say.

If this really bothers you, then whatever, maybe this is actually the post that’s made up. Convince yourself of that. Or don’t.

Oh hey, I have a question. How do people set it up so that only a little bit of their blog posts show up in Google Reader… because then people have to click through to their blog and so you can see who’s reading, right? Mine was never set up like that, so I could never tell, which is why I didn’t find out until today that Brandy has me in her reader. She came over because of an overwhelming impulse to comment on my highly intellectual BlogHer post, and I was all, “heck yeah, Brandy’s got me in her Reader, what up now, bitches?” But then I got nervous because I have the feeling she doesn’t like bad language, and sometimes I use bad language, especially if I am really worked up or bored. Sorry about that, Brandy. I shouldn’t have said “what up now, bitches?” a little bit ago. Also, I shouldn’t have repeated it just now.

There’s something of a ruckus going on across the internet right now about something I wrote about gay dudes for my work. I can’t really get too specific, unless I just come ahead and disanonymousize, which I was thinking of doing anyway (thoughts?), but suffice it to say that there’s kind of an uproar about whether I am a homophobic bigot.

Well, that’s hogwash. I have tons of gay friends. Well, that’s not really true. But I think I saw a gay person once! Plus, I call my friends gay, you know, if they’re being gay. I’m not coming out like I planned. Wait, I wasn’t planning to come out – shoot, that just made it way worse. I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with that. I should stop now.

The final thing I have to say is this: I have a cold, a bad cold. It’s ninety-five degrees and I have the worst cold I’ve had all year. This is (look away, Brandy!) bullshit. But anyway (you can look back, Brandy), I blame the complete incoherence of this post on my cold... and on the fact that, like I said, when you write what you know, it’s just kind of boring. The end.

16 comments:

Nicole said...

Um. You're really a 40-year-old woman, aren't you?

allthewine said...

I think I'm more jealous that brandy got an entire post dedicated to her than anything else. Boo! We are totally broken up.

surviving myself said...

I have no idea how to work google reader man. Good luck with that.

A Margarita said...

Silk panties? That's hot.

You have to go your account settings on Blogger and change it so that you only show a partial feed.

Dr Zibbs said...

Fake stories? I don't even think YOU'RE real. Your writing sounds suspicialsly like a robot. (Especially becuase the lack of spelling errors).

Kayleigh said...

totally googled your name and saw the internet destruction. um, yikes. maybe this is why The Piece won't respond to my emails.

Falwless said...

You make me laugh. Not with this post, but in the past, I mean.

minijonb said...

James Frey is my fucking hero. Too bad it took the dude so long to figure out how to market himself correctly.

Moe Wanchuk said...

I thought about being gay. It's 100% my wife's fault.

Jon said...

I'm a firm believer in disanonymousization. And also making up words. That's the key to good writing, I think.

jinius said...

the best posts are the incoherent ones. with lots of expletives. and nudity.

i'm torn on the "coming out of the blogger's closet". i'm just worried about future employers and prospective dates findng it and learning i'm crazy. oh, well, i guess people need to find out the real you eventually.

brandy said...

Dude, I laughed a lot reading this (which is a feat, considering at now at my grandfathers house and spent this morning washing his motorhome with a pot scrubber- so we didn't scratch the paint). I actually swear like a sailor in real life, and say things that shock that masses (and make my company blush) but for some reason it never ends up in a post. I come across as anti-swearing? Oh dear. I need to make some fucking changes.

brandy said...

And yes, I now see that the beginning of my comment doesn't make sense. I blame this on the fact that I was up at 6 am eating eggs and bacon talking about where to buy good hangers.

Anonymous said...

lol...I just found your blog because of your comment on Brandy's, and it's awesome. I don't think lying in your blog should matter either. it's your blog. you could write a post with all of the same letter in it if you want, and no one should care.

-citygyrli

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

You're losing your marbles! Or, are you . . .?

I never can tell cause you're such a big, fat liar.

Either way, Brandy is so "gay!"

That rhymed, so it has to be true.

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!