Thursday, June 26, 2008

A landmark decision from the bench: Fire at will!

I have two notes regarding yesterday’s post. First, I am really disappointed that I failed to refer to Charlie Crist as “the lovable Messiah with a crush on the red-headed girl.” Second, I would like to say that I respect both of the candidates. Well, let me rephrase that: I respect one of the candidates, and I think the other one is an ass.

But there are other political matters to discuss today. The Supreme Court, in a hotly contested 5-4 decision, struck down a Washington D.C. handgun ban as unconstitutional, finding it in violation of the Second Amendment.

Chief Justice John Roberts, who sided with the majority, had this to say of the landmark decision: “I sure look good today, don’t I? Can’t wait to get the hell out of here and go sip lemonade on my yacht.”

Justice Antonin Scalia, renowned for his quick and acerbic wit, authored the majority opinion, which stated, in part, “to deny the traditional right of the individual citizen to the implements of self-defense is about as American as Osama Bin Laden taking a dump on an apple pie. Furthermore, I would like to point out that I exercise my own right to bear weapons by carrying nunchucks beneath my voluminous robes, with which I will not hesitate to pummel the shit out of reporters who ask me stupid questions.”

The newest member of the court, Justice Samuel Alito, did his best to avoid attention, eventually dressing up as a janitor in an attempt to sneak his way through the press. Indeed, the erstwhile judge had nearly made it home free before he was recognized. As the flash bulbs burst around him, Alito just squinted and looked around nervously and when pressed for comment would only remark, “I just do what John Roberts tells me.”

The two other consenting judges, Justice Anthony Kennedy and Justice Clarence Thomas, were unavailable for comment, but were seen sprinting down the Washington mall firing handguns into the air in celebration. Numerous reports indicated that the pair were referring to themselves as Wyatt Earpp and the Lone Ranger while they brandished their firearms and discharged them wildly.

On the other side of the fence was David Souter, who, on announcement of the decision, reportedly shouted, “read the Constitution, dumbass!” to no one in particular. Much of his time during the trial was spent attending to 93-year-old Justice John Paul Stevens, who was admitted to the courtroom on a hospital bed as the nonagenarian is currently in a coma, diapers and constant state of near death.

Despite his extreme condition, the ancient man was still able to pen a dissenting opinion in which he condemned the use of “muskets [as] detrimental to the stability of the colonies, except in the case of extreme pressure from redcoats or roving Indian bands.”

Stephen Breyer wrote a second dissenting opinion, consisting of only two short sentences, which read, “No, I am not named after fucking ice cream! What the hell is the matter with you people?”

Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the fourth and final dissenting Justice, gnashed her teeth for some time in her seat at the bench, refusing to leave for more than two hours. Curious reporters were ushered away by security, who warned that she gets hungry this time of day. She is not expected to leave the building until tonight, because direct sunlight will turn her to stone.

Fans of the decision are pleased, although many expressed chagrin that the question had even been raised. One such citizen said, “It’s right fucking there in the Constitution: ‘A well regulated Militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed.’ That’s as clear as Waterford if you ask me.”

Opponents feared that the decision might be the first step toward repealing some of the nation’s assault-weapon bans, and open the door for more and larger firearms to move freely through the hands of the people.

“Exactly right,” said Dick Cheney, who the press finally hunted down on the west lawn of the White House, where he was shooting at the ornamental birdbaths with a 12-guage pump action shotgun. “A year from now, I’ll be able to hunt quail with a bazooka.”

6 comments:

Falwless said...

You're on a roll. Your blog keeps getting better and better. This may or may not coincide with me drinking more often during the daytime, but whatever. I stand by my opinion.

J. Hi said...

she's right, you are on roll. I was out of it for a few days, drinking, and when I come back--bam--like 3 new posts from you. Keep on rolling.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

I totally believed your story until you reported that they'd found Cheney on the west lawn. Then I knew it was bullshit because everyone knows he's still in the shop getting his evil robot parts tuned up.

And don't pay any attention to commenters 1 and 2 above. You are so not on a roll.

jinius said...

i always wear knunchucks underneath my robe.

Falwless said...

Apparently I've been corrected. You're not on a roll. I apologize if my prior statement resulted in any ego inflation and/or confusion.

Kayleigh said...

Hi-lar-ious.