Thursday, October 4, 2007

My major malfunction

It's some psychological term, but I can't remember the name of it-- not transference, I don't think repression. Dang it. Dr. Novinski would be so disappointed in me after I just took her psych class last semester. Wait, maybe it's just denial. No, no. never mind. Definitely not.

Anyway, what I'm talking about is when someone has a problem, an issue, a conflict, whatever, he/she refuses to address it. Instead, the person oh! internalization? no? ok, anyway the person glosses over the problem psychologically, and won't admit that there is a problem. Naturally, this makes things more difficult. People who are accepting the fact of a problem and meeting it head on will bounce off the denial-ers with some force. or rub against them with some friction. or whatever.

You know, like in scene from Good Will Hunting, "it's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault... etc." and then Matt Damon finally breaks down his facade and deals with all his issues and the turbulence comes pouring out, and finally he can relate to people again. ok that's what I'm talking about-- what he had before Robin Williams fixed him. So maybe I have something like that, being pretty emotionally reserved and all, maybe it's a little too much.

But I prefer this explanation: I'm over it. Whatever happened happened, and stressing about it afterwards isn't going to make it not happen, so why bother? Why do people say, "oh, it's good to cry." Why? What is that going to solve? And if nothing, why bother?

Ok, you say, "what, are you a robot? emotions are part of what defines a human being." Fine, good. I have no problem with people crying. If you're really sad, and being sad makes you cry, then cry. If you'll feel better after you cry, or while you cry, then bawl your eyes out. That's fine. But I don't think that means it's necessary to cry. Some people like to go fishing when they've had a real stressful week, or couple days, or a nasty break-up. Ok. Go for it. But don't tell me I have to go fishing after something important or something bad or something stressful happens. I don't feel like going fishing. And don't tell me to cry, because I don't feel like crying.

But sometimes, if I have a fight with someone, or some falling out, or whatever the hell, they come back and apologize, and I'll apologize, and it seems to me that the situation is resolved, and then the person will start prodding and poking to see if I have any emotional response, as if an emotional reaction will validate what I said, or prove my sincerity. And maybe he'll talk about how he feels so bad... and trail off. What am I supposed to say? I don't feel bad at all. Something happened, but I'm done with it.

And inevitably, the person takes my response to mean that I'm really still harboring resentment, or not ready to talk about it. They interpret my reaction as inhuman. And I interpret theirs as irrational. They might try a couple times, like Robin Williams repeating "it's not your fault," but then I usually just get confused/disgusted because No, guy, we already did that, remember? What do you expect? What do you want? I guess I could pretend to sniffle, or stop blinking so my eyes water. But why do people feel like that's necessary in the first place?

So that's my disorder. In deference for the sensitive nature of my psychological condition, I request that when you're around me, you turn off your emotions, and behave like an automaton, because automatons believe me when I say it's ok, don't worry about it.

1 comment:

crysOakleee said...

Very interesting. And how long have you been internalizing the traumas of your life? Mayhaps hypnotism may be a useful therapy. Also I didn't know you took Dr. Novinski's psych class! I liked that class; mostly because everyone else in there was three years younger than me. (And we know how I like younger men.)

Two things:
One, apologies have to be sincere. Not emotional, but sincere. Like when you go to confession, you have to be sincerely sorry, but you don't have to tear your hair and wear sack cloth and ashes or whatever. So if you look the person in the eye and sincerely say "no worries, we're over it" then no further emotion is necessary. (And if they are sincerely forgiving, then they won't even need to wait for you to say that - they will have already forgiven you and moved on anyway.)

crack a joke whenever possible. So as to avoid awkward scenes. If the two of you can mutually laugh over something else, then trust may be re-established.

What the heck is wrong with you anyway? If you are dealing with psych issues, Crystal (a bi-polar schitzo herself) can offer advice. I always find that running away from problems is the best solution; which is why I plan to move to Denver next September. Also, ending friendships is the easiest way of dealing with relationshipal problems.