Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Autumn and things

I don't know why it is, but I feel fricking great today. Maybe it's the weather-- I mean, you can't really ask for better than 65 with bright sun and a fresh wind on October 9th, unless you want to nitpick the hell out of Thor, which I try to avoid this early in the week.

Today, Portillo's opened a brand new branch right down the street from the office, and I just polished off a double bacon cheeseburger courtesy of the Editor in payment of a bet I won that neither of us remembers. Still delicious. But here's a question: I've heard both "double bacon cheeseburger" and "bacon double cheeseburger." So which the hell is it? The way I see it, it makes sense to keep the food items next to each other-- hence, dbc. But it also works to keep the more commonly used base phrase intact; and recently, "double cheeseburger" has become more common than "bacon cheeseburger," thus bdc arises. But do you know why dc is becoming more common than bc? Because fast food companies are talking more about burgers than anyone else, and THEY'RE TOO STINGY to use bacon with any regularity-- just cut a decent sized patty in half longwise, put a piece of processed cheese in the middle, and call it a double cheeseburger. And now, come to think of it, I can trace the phrase bdc back to the same company that produces the most famous double cheeseburger in the world: McDonald's. Remember that commercial from about ten years ago with the guys in top hats, right before McD's switched their motto to "have you had your break today"? You're thinking, "no of course I don't fricking remember a 30 second commercial from ten years ago, you loser." Well fine, maybe Crystal can throw me a bone here. All these guys in tophats, cruisin' around and across a blank white screen while fast food sandwiches flash psychedelically in the background, are singing "Howza boutza bacon double cheez double cheez..." anyone? anyone? I feel like a baby on the toilet ready to be wiped. Well, anyway, that's where bdc came from. I'm glad I call it dbc.

I am currently sucking down long draughts of cold drinking fountain water from my Dunkin Donuts cup because I didn't drink anything with lunch, and grease sure does make a fellow thirsty. But still not as thirsty as I was last night after my softball games. Great, now it's out there for all the world to see. Yes, I play softball with a team mostly of family members. Yes, we suck. Yes, it is probably (read 'definitely') not the best thing for my arm if I expect to be in shape for baseball early next spring. But yes, we won last night, even if it was our first win and we're still in last place at 1-9. Go screw yourself. Anyway, the point is that last night after getting home from softball, I drank an entire gallon of water in 40 minutes. I heard people say it was impossible to drink a gallon of water in an hour... or maybe they said half an hour, but still, I wasn't even pushing it; I bet I could do it in half an hour too. And not have my brain swell up and kill me like that frat boy did.

A bad thing about softball is that when I slid into second to break up a double play (which I did, but which I think the whole laid-back, softball, just-here-to-have-fun attitude takes offense at-- sorry, guys), I incurred the father and lord of all strawberries. My calf had some scratches, which were then caked full with dirt, so they didn't bleed, but it was good slide, which meant I took the brunt of the weight, force, and scraping-friction-stopping power in my biggest padding-- my ass. And the basketball shorts I was wearing do not provide the same buffer that thick baseball pants and compression shorts do. To sum it up, most of the epidermis from the lower half of my left buttock is no longer with me, and every time I stand up here at work, my underwear has started to enmesh itself in the wound.

So whether I was too distracted by the pain (this I really doubt), or whether my esophagus was too tired after swallowing a whole gallon of water (this I sort of doubt), or whether I was just too tired from softball (I guess this must have been it?), I didn't drink at all last night. And I am so disappointed, because I love drinking. I love it. I think it's a great thing, and I really enjoy doing it. This past weekend, I didn't drink too much on Friday, Saturday or Sunday, and I got up early and got plenty of stuff done, and still had time to kick back and drink a couple each evening/night. And I think I'm going to drink a few tonight too. Because I love it.

Also, the Paris Hilton Britney Spears Lindsay Lohan thing is up. Next, I'm looking at either global warming, skydiving or plane crashes. I've gotta find what's the most substantive and make it most fun/good. What do you think?

The word of the day is merkin: a pubic wig.

4 comments:

crysOakleee said...

For sure Bacon Double Cheese, Double Cheese. I do remember. Also, you should not use effing in its more violent form in writing. You shouldn't use it in speaking either, but you should definitely not write it. It is rude. Also, I recently had a doctor's appointment and the doctor told me that I should try not to have a drink every night, as this could build a dependence. Better to try one or two nights without drinking and see if it is even possible. Also, I have been checking the website of where your articles are posted all day for the Paris story and am glad to see a link provided here as I have to say navigating said site is not the easiest task in the world. Also, that is pretty nasty about your strawberryshortpants.

fort knocks said...

sorry, C-person, I thought Crystal would appreciate that. fixed.

Katie Leigh said...

1) I wish I could recall what the bet was about. Oh wait, now I remember. I bet my friend's wedding would be outside, you were the naysayer that said it would be indoors because it looked like rain. Hmm, hmm.

2) Portillo's made my mouth a proverbial Sahara Desert. I think I drank 6 Snapple bottles of water this afternoon.

3) I always say "double bacon cheezburger"

4) Maybe your strawberry will turn into a snozzberry (is that even better?)

crysOakleee said...

As a general rule, Crystal does not appreciate things she is meant to appreciate. She prefers to spurn those who try to win her over with repeated attempts at bedevilry. Nobody likes a kiss-up, not even Crystal.