What follows is a quiz. If you fail, I will insert bamboo shoots beneath your fingernails.
1. If my life were a novel, the title would be:
"Murder at the Mandrake Lodge: A Tale of Intrigue, Sensuality, and One Misplaced Banana Peel." What would yours be?
2. Do truck drivers get at least mildly frustrated and annoyed when people pull up to the right of them at a red light and accelerate past them, and they take sooo long to get up to speed?
3. English muffins or bagels?
4. Baygels or baggels?
5. Why isn't there a movie about a nun with a bazooka? Is it because if anyone ever did it, mankind would have reached the pinnacle of artistic expression, and we all might as well drink the Kool-aid?
6. Who is ugliest?
7. What do you think about nuts or wheat kernels in bread?
8. If I was a billionaire, I would not make wallpaper out of money for my parlor, because that would be ugly. Plus, I wouldn't have a parlor. But I might make a wallet out of hundred dollar bills, carefully double-folded and stitched, because, come on, how cool would that be? What would you do if you were a billionaire?
9. What comes first?
10. Waterskiing in chocolate milk, riding a brontosaurus, punching Hitler in the groin, walking on the ceiling, riding with Ghengis Khan, $500 in singles spontaneously appearing in your underpants, or serving a large dish of crepes to Napoleon when a screaming monkey jumps out and startles Napoleon so much that he poops a little bit. ?