Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Obama or McCain? Black or Old? The hippie candidate of Change? Or the candidate of Change My Diaper?

The upcoming presidential election is all over the news, and Barack Obama is still a douchebag. A stunning report revealed today that Barack Obama charges $115 for a turkey sandwich. What the hell is that about, huh?! I mean, turkey is pretty good, but at least throw on some roast beef if you’re breaking the century mark, am I right?

I really don’t know what the story is about because I didn’t have time to read the whole thing, but apparently in between campaign stops, Obama runs a deli or something. I’m surprised he’s got the time.

John McCain, meanwhile, is older than ever. Earth-shattering photographs splashed the front pages yesterday, revealing the Arizona senator wearing a band-aid on his wrinkly head. Can you believe it?! Fucking band-aids!

Despite his claims that he just hit his head on a car (what?), it’s pretty clear-cut evidence that his campaign is deceiving the public about the fact that he has head cancer. Some speculate that he’s already dying, and plans to croak after winning the November election but before taking office in January. His “expiration date,” if you will, is set for the week of Christmas.

Liberals fear that if this occurs, George Bush intends to declare martial law, suspend all elections and appoint himself dictator-for-life, shortly before expanding the war on terror to include massive attacks against Iran, India, Belgium and Ohio.

In both camps, rumors are circulating in “the great running-mate debate,” which is a pretty gay name for it (John Edwards loves it). The talk of a “dream ticket” featuring Obama and Hillary Clinton seems to have fallen by the wayside. Obama rejected the idea for a couple of reasons: first, he was afraid that Hillary would have him assassinated within the first year of his presidency; and second, he was afraid of having her manwhore of a husband Bill around, since the former president is liable to have sex with most of the White House staff during meetings. Obama of course wants his own fair crack at the “power” hungry insiders, but is also paranoid that his wife Michelle might either fall or leap into Wild Bill’s clutches.

McCain, of course, would not have such problems, since his wife is an android and he hasn’t been able to achieve an erection since 1931. Then again, he thinks Hillary is kind of scary, and wouldn’t pick her anyway.

Instead, according to the buzz, McCain might be leaning toward Charlie Crist, or former Secretary of Kickass Colin Powell. Powell is a favorable choice because of his ability to counteract Obama’s blackness – the dynamic of black factor, or “blacktor.” Except not “blacktor,” because that sounds like “black actor,” and God knows they’re all voting for Obama no matter what you do. McCain could run on a platform of Slavery Reparations, chicken and rap music and still have no chance.

My personal choice is to steer away from Powell, who is 70 years old (more like swollen Colon Powell), and pick up Charlie Crist, who can attract a variety of disillusioned Americans, especially, because of the similarity of his name, fans of the late Charles Shulz of Charlie Brown and fans of the late Jesus Christ.

For Obama, I would recommend anybody except that whore from Kansas whose name I can’t remember. But she’s a total bitch. I heard she was actually the mastermind behind Michael Vick’s dogfighting ring as well as the sinking of the Titanic. Oh yeah, Kathleen Sebelius is her name. Huge slut too, I think. She’s got that vibe – Bill Clinton would love her. Hell, he probably already has.

Then again, Obama’s choice doesn’t matter as much. He could probably choose Will.I.Am or Ronald McDonald or some other fake person and still ride his cultish support to the big win in November.

Remember then, remember that I warned you now: he’s a big tax candidate. You think $4 for a gallon of gas is bad? Try $115 for a turkey sandwich.


The [Cherry] Ride said...

Attack Ohio. No big loss there. I used to live in Ohio, so I know from experience.

surviving myself said...


An Obama/McDonald ticket would be unstoppable!

Politics are fun.

Falwless said...

Okay, seriously, Fort Knocks. Seriously. Seriously. I'm being serious here. You need to write for a living. You are an excellent writer, you know that? Seriously.

Best sentence in this whole thing:

McCain, of course, would not have such problems, since his wife is an android and he hasn’t been able to achieve an erection since 1931.

A Lil' Irish Lass said...

Fuck Obama and McCain. I'm voting for Fort Knocks.

jinius said...

Mccain wears band aids on his head because his skin is falling off everday. if he were elected,he'd be our first skinless president. that was gross. i'm hungover.

Nicole said...

I work in politics so I will refrain from commentating on this fabulously-written post. How's the beehive pokin' going?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

That must be one helluva sandwich. I think the $115 sandwich should be his running mate.

J. Hi said...

I think they should make each other their running mates and then everyone wins. Because everyone should be a winner and no one should be a loser (oops, I mean non-winner.)

Kim said...

I feel that you need a Deep Southern Republican comment on this one...that was freaking hilarious. That is all. :-)