Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Obama and Clinton: An Objective Take

I believe that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton may well be agents of the Prince of Darkness, Satan himself. So let’s discuss the campaign rationally, shall we?

This Democratic primary campaign has been the longest and most hotly contested since 1968, when Jimmy Carter stole the nomination from Grover Cleveland, who was killed in the Haymarket Riots, only to lose to Barry Goldwater in the general election in a stunning upset. Carter was stunned and upset.

This year’s campaign is proving to be just as shocking and vicious. A Yahoo! news story today refers to ‘an Obama campaign memo from last summer that criticized Sen. Clinton’s ties to India, referring to her as the “Democrat from Punjab.”’ Such politicking is of course disgraceful—Obama, who harps himself as the squeaky-clean candidate of change, should refrain from such “jabs” and leave the “poon” out of it. Above the belt, please, sir!

Hillary, on the other hand, has been no better, repeatedly calling Obama “the dark-horse candidate,” a clear reference to his abnormally long face and blackness. In my opinion, although the racism is cool, Hillary should steer clear of mudslinging campaigns, because she probably throws like a girl—and besides, calling Obama ugly? Has Hillary looked in a mirror lately? Can you say “ugliest woman since Tom Petty”? She looks like a gargoyle on speed.

In stark contrast, Obama truly could be the face of the party… seriously, he looks like a donkey… or at least a mule. Ever notice that? The long narrow cheeks, the protrusive ears and the flattened muzzle? You know what I’m talking about.

But we should steer away from such trivialities as physical appearances. This race is about substance. What do the candidates stand for? Well, they both like high taxes, cut-and-run foreign policy, affirmative action and gay marriage… but where do they disagree? What makes them unique?

Well, Obama is the candidate of change. Change from? What we have now. Change to? He doesn’t really know. But making a decision, taking a stand, could alienate people. As long as thousands of dumbasses keep flocking to his camp, why bother mentioning what you actually stand for, right? The following is the pro-Obama argument that is seriously galvanizing the nation:

“Yes, we can!”

You can what?

“Yes we CAN!”

What? What can you do?

“Change! We can change!”

What are you changing to? How do you want things to be?

“Yes we can!”

You can…? You can want things?

“Yes we can!”

Wait, what can you do?

“Shut up, that’s not the point. The point is that Yes We Can!”

And that’s why Obama is on such a tear. Because truly, it is impossible to win an argument with his supporters. The fact that his supporters are irrational, that his popularity is a product of hype, a whirlwind of delirium and hero-worship is irrelevant. Their most recent campaign slogan: “You don’t have to be rational to vote, do you? Vote Obama.” The Black Eyed Peas are expected to release a music video on that theme in the near future.

And Hillary? What makes her unique? Hillary is the “establishment candidate?” which basically means that she likes family-style restaurant “establishments,” expanding government “establishments,” and pandering to rich Democrats.

Also, did we mention she is ugly and has huge teeth? She looks sort of like a beaver who just finished building her dam, only the dam is built of crack. And some of it is still in her cheeks.

The unfortunate thing is that Hillary’s backing from “the establishment” means Obama is destined to be shot to death at a campaign appearance by a “deranged dissenter unaffiliated with the Clinton campaign,” just like Bobby Kennedy when he ran against Bill Clinton in 1988.

Clinton will climb the White House throne, stopping only to tether Bill in the front yard where he can pose for cameras and have guilt-free sex with despondent Obama groupies. The tradition of Bush, Clinton, Bush, Clinton will continue. In 2016, Jeb Bush’s son, George Bush III (not making him up), will be elected, and California will declare independence. In 2020, Chelsea Clinton will be elected and my head will explode.

Except oh wait, McCain is going to win, actually. Because he kicks ass. And Hillary and Barack suck.

You guys know I’m right, right?


A Margarita said...

Woot! A conservative blogger. I thought it was a myth, like the unicorn.

I'm still kind of undecided. It's hard not to be swayed by Obama's rockstar status, which should NOT be a reason to vote for him . . . but McCain's nearly an octogenarian, I want to see who his running mate is.

Jacob said...

John McCain does kick ass. Like I feel he literally kicks ass. I know he isn't perfect, but there is something about his attitude of "America, Fuck Yeah!" that I love. I've been wanting a president like that for a while, but I'm actually too pussy to really, seriously want it. But I do. He's gonna be like "oh you don't want to give us more oil OPEC, well fuck you then. No more billions of dollars in aid, and we think we'll stop buying your oil for a while and live off our reserves." Then when they call our bluff cause they know we need their goddam oil, we'll do something really crazy that you would never expect from a sane country like ours. I'm not sure if it's a nuke or what but it'll be crazy and McCain will do it...cause he's old and he's gonna die soon anyway so fuck it, bring on WW3. America. Fuck Yeah!

So@24 said...

HAHAHH! Margarita's conservative blogger comment!

I'm a staunch democrat... Obama's my boy. But "sticks and stones" is a forum for all, right?

A Lil' Irish Lass said...

Seriously, Margarita. There are only three of us. Wait. Four if you count so@24.

So@24 said...

And.. dude... after that speech, you're still going to say he sucks?

Come on!

J. Hi said...

I hope McCain's running mate is Chris Rock, because he totally gets it. Hillary's dangerous because her shrillness leads to heavy drinking.

Kayleigh said...

*Golf Clap*

The only thing worse than listening to the sound of Hillary's voice is looking at her face.