Thursday, February 14, 2008

Real Romance

You know, Valentine's Day has become more and more commercialized in the last few years, and I think it's important to take a step back and try to remember what really makes this day special. On that note, I'd like to recounte a conversation I had yesterday, but first, here's a little something for you.

My mother slipped a little candy heart into my lunchbag before I left for work this morning. Isn't that sweet? I opened my sandwich bag, and it rolled out, a little pink one inscribed in red with "my pet." I smiled, popped it in my mouth, and then immediately stopped smiling and spit it out. Those things are disgusting. They taste like chalk laced with barf and battery acid. So I threw it away. But it was a nice gesture.

And I'd like to leave you with an example of real romance from Jake, a friend who's near and dear to me, and a really genuine guy. Also is smooth with the ladies. Yesterday he gave me a few tips as we chatted over facebook. And let me tell you, it's amazing to see him in action. The things he pulls off will boggle your mind.

Fort Knocks: A girl at work straight up told me I was getting fat when she saw me monday, and I think she might be right.

That, or my face was still puffy from my thunderous two-day San Francisco hangover.

Jake: I love girls who can be that blunt. The trick is finding one who can handle the same bluntness in return.

Go up to her and tell her "you should wear longer skirts, not because you look slutty, which by the way, you do, but because I don't want to stare at those monsterous calves all day."

If she says, "oh, shut up." or "shut the fuck up." she's no good.

But if she says "whatever, you know you like how my big fat tree stumps would complement your third and fourth chins" or "now don't you think my big butt would seem a tad out of place if i had had little twig legs?" and then either one followed with "but seriously, you have gained weight." then she might be worth making fun of more often, especially on a date setting.

Fort Knocks: You truly are the Confucius of the relationship.

Then when she says that, you raise your hand and make like you're going to hit her, but then at the last minute you stop, and just brush her hair lovingly. [yeah, I stole that one from Dan.]

Jake: Better yet you do hit her, but then tell her you didn't mean it and that she deserves so much more than you. Then you ask if you can take her out for dinner which is really just happy hour at Chili's.

Meanwhile you make sure your friends are there too, and then when you arrive, you act surprised and after brief introductions you ignore her completely.

The only time you talk to her is when you say "there you go" as you place another drink in front of her. Then after two hours you say "I'm gonna order some food, you want anything?"

Then you leave to the bathroom before she even responds.

She of course follows you to tell you that she has called her friend and is being picked up.

But before she can get that little tid-bit out, you grab her and give her a passionate make-out smooch by the bathroom door.

She steps back in confusion, and that's when you spring this little guy...

"I've been wanting to do that all night, you just look so cute sitting there putting up with my friends like that. I promise I'll make this up to you."

Then before she responds you tell her you'll be back in one sec and dart into the bathroom.

When you come out, you go back to your friends and pretend like that never happened.

Funny thing is, when you glance over at her, her eyes are locked on yours, and she keeps giving you little knowing smiles which you accept but do not reciprocate.

game over

Fort Knocks: You're right. It's a foolproof plan.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is what romance is about. And the girls eat it up, eat it right up, like graceful cattle at the trough of a strong man's love. Happy Valentine's Day, to all of you.


Jacob said...

what an insensitive jerk

tiff said...

everyone loves a jerk! I know I do. I date them exclusively. That's probably why the description of this date made me swoon.

And "near and dear" and linking to your frightening tent spooning story... hmm. Happy Valentine's indeed.

A Margarita said...

Call me a snob, but if a guy asked me to dinner and then told me to meet him at Chili's, I'd say, "I'll meet you there in your dreams." I feel like a guy who said that would also be the type to be confused as to why you didn't want to hook up after such a "romantic" evening with him and his friends.

Princess Pointful said...

I can do nothing but sigh.