Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Dirty Sexy Updates

I'm sorry, but it's just not quite time yet to get to the talk about San Francisco. There are a couple other things I've got to run through.

Last night, I was drinking bourbon and flipping back and forth between The Biggest Loser and Big Brother (during the commercials of American Idol), and thought a couple things. The first thing I thought, I thought when the fatties on Biggest Loser started stripping for the weigh-in. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't really like looking at blubber, so I changed the channel... only to find a 23-year-old Douche-Captain saying about a 46-year-old housemate, "46, dude? She still looks GOOD. I'd hit that." Well, I had to think, why are all TV shows about gross people?

That was an easy one, of course. It's because we all like watching gross people and mentally wincing at how much grosser they are than we. Like the Real World. I love the Real World.

Then I flipped back to the Biggest Loser, started looking at blubber again, and had my second thought: "the phrase 'the bigger they are, the harder they fall' should really be 'the fatter they are, the harder they fall,' because don't fat people always hurt themselves when they fall?" Then I thought, "but then again, they've got all that fat for padding, so..." In case you couldn't tell by now, I drinking plenty of bourbon.

And all this drinking and thinking about falling got me to remember the last time I fell down when I was drinking. It was about a month ago, and after drinking at home, I had gone out to a bar until closing time, after which I had stopped by a party that my brother was at, after which I went back home with my cousin and played dance music and drank, after which we decided it would be good to head to his apartment for a nightcap. After which, fatefully, we decided we needed to go buy Tiger Woods for his X-Box 360. It was 6:30 am.

Immediately upon walking out his front door, I stepped on a patch of ice, skidded a little forward, caught my balance with a sharp pitch left, and then caught my toe on an uneven edge of sidewalk. I bit it, straight up bit it. Big tree fall hard.

I bounced slightly on my chin, took the brunt of the shot on my left eyebrow, bounced and skidded onto my right side and finished with scrapes covering my face, bleeding in a cascade over the left half of my face. So we kept going to the store.

When the cashier asked me, startled, "Are you ok?" I was quick with, "no, we just need to buy Tiger Woods."

I didn't say it was a good story.

Some people have been finding my blog with some interesting Google searches lately. The most recent:
(with my reactions)

1. why are you such a lush
I don't know. Is that a trick question?

2. defecating in bed –dog
True enough. Don't think I've ever defecated in bed WITH a dog.

3. dress up retarded men games
Or tell them it's the special olympics and make 'em run around?

4. am I retarded quiz
If you're Googling this, then yes, probably.

5. Julianne Hough scoring
I wish.

6. Pope undershirt
I think that's a sin to talk about, man.

7. Think like a retarded woman
Oh, if only we could.

8. feeling of car hair on tongue
?

9. but first, I would just like to get to know you
Great, because I usually don't put out on the 0th date.

10. Women are retarded
Well, that's not the best way to phrase it, but...

Also, in case you cared (I'm sure you didn't), I updoodled the layout over here. And the blogroll's updated too. If you don't thank me for adding you to that little pile of exclusivity and sexiness within two days, I'm going to kill you and never call you again.

Do we have to get more into it than that? Do I tell you every time I get a haircut? No, I don't. And that's why you think there's another woman. Well, maybe I just didn't remember, or I didn't think it was that important.

Or maybe there is another woman. And she's skinnier than you.

As Confucius said, "my philosophy in life is not to spend too much time fantasizing about old Jewish men."

Did you hear me say I like the Real World earlier? Because I don't.

10 comments:

B2G said...

"...when the fatties on Biggest Loser started stripping for the weigh-in. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't really like looking at blubber, so I changed the channel..."

Stereotyping girls is one thing, but flat-out insulting overweight people who are trying to make a change?

Over the line.

fort knocks said...

I know! That was the worst, wasn't it? So rude, so damn rude.

tiff said...

Changing the blog layout, the title and the subheading...are you having mid-blog crisis?

I hate every show you mentioned. Please don't tell me you really watch American Idol! That is over the line.

[i hate blubber. my blubber, other people's blubber, blubber on tv, the blubber of strangers, the WORD blubber]

Princess Pointful said...

The first time I got drunk, I, too, skidded on some ice, and fell flat on my face (funny because non drunk reflexes usually result in falling on your ass instead). I had to explain to my mom why my chin was suddenly a bloody pulp. Not good.

Deutlich said...

::nods in agreement with Tiff::

I can't get down w/the blubber either. oh hell no.

Also, HOW the hell do you get those google search results? I swear I'm a dumbass because I can't figure it out for the life of me!

A Margarita said...

Ooo, yay! You're the first male blogger to link to me! Thanks :) You're actually only the third male blogger I know.

What I don't understand is why these people expose themsleves to such ridicule on TV? I'm sure there's a positive correlation between low IQ levels and people who go on reality shows.

Jacob said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jacob said...

so in regards to the biggest loser that you (with your bourbon)and I (dressed only tighty-whities-this detail is necessary later) watched together in totally different states...

wasn't it funny when all the rotund people were crying and blaming their fatness on their absent or abusive fathers?

coming from a fat person who still finds fat people repulsive, I was still amazed when I caught myself suddenly standing up and yelling at them to "get over it already fat ass!"

and then I got pissed because I had stood up so suddenly that I spilled my cookies and milk that were casually resting on my gut all over my bare stomach. Damn, I wish my father hadn't hit me...

Anonymous said...

The Biggest Loser is a great show. I love it. Those people have serious problems, they know it, and they're admiting it on television because they're serious about getting help. How many of us are humble enough to admit to ourselves, let alone the world, that we have really serious faults that need fixing. Gluttonous people's sin is visible to everyone; maybe our vices aren't so visible - but doesn't mean they're not just as bad for our selves as over-eating.

(PS, I was too lazy to sign-in. It's very nice of you to allow anonymous comments so I don't have to.)

Kayleigh said...

mmmmmm, bourbon.