I believe I am better than you—you should know that by now, but if you don’t, well, there it is. I’ve got the whole Catholic self-righteous thing going, I think I’m clever and funny and good-looking. I’m the complete package.
But just to be sure you know, I want to present a list, for your pleasure and awe, of things that I can do better than you.
1. Play the vocabulary game at freerice.com. (I got a 46.)
2. Throw a baseball. (I can throw a baseball 90-92 mph.)
3. Hold my breath (3 minutes, 10 seconds).
4. Eat a lot of Chinese food (2 pounds).
5. Eat a lot of pizza (just over 2 pounds).
6. Be tall.
7. Drink many beers in one hour (9).
8. Whistle really loudly without using my fingers.
9. Dunk a basketball (I do need to use my fingers for that).
10. Wear one article of clothing for a long time (I’ve had a pink bracelet on for more than two years).
Ok, now for the real reason. I didn’t just have an overwhelming need to tell you that just because. I’m not that pathologically self-absorbed (almost, though—I’m working on it).
The real reason is that I want to know what you’re better at than me. What are the unusual talents that you have? Are they useless or practical? Exotic or mundane? Are you boastful of them, secretly proud, or ambivalent?
I remember when I was in grade school being very proud of the fact that I knew ALL the swear words, and that I could use them all in one sentence, which I whispered gleefully to any of my friends who would listen: “If you don’t stop acting like a GD bloody son of a bitch, I’m gonna kick your f---ing ass to hell, you piece of shit.” Later I found out that the lexicon of obscenity was a little bit larger than I had realized, but at the time, you know what? I was smug about my knowledge. I figured most grown-ups didn’t even know that many swearwords and I knew no kids knew that many.
So come on, you’ve got that feeling about something. Don’t lie. Maybe it’s stupid, maybe you think it’s cool but you’re afraid other people will think it’s stupid, whatever. What is it?