You want answers?

First of all, I promise I didn't think this post was going to suck. But I blame the suckiness at least half on you.

Answers to the questions.

First off, my cousin Jake asked me “why are you so gay?”

Obviously, I don’t know, because if I knew, I would do everything in my power to undo the causes since, as everyone knows, I can’t stand gay people. They make me feel uncomfortable and morally superior.

But if I had to guess, I’d say the reason I’m so gay is because of a story I once heard from a friend who I loved and trusted. This friend, a future roommate of mine, told me that once in high school, he had been extremely constipated. After half an hour on the toilet, he was getting desperate, and so he reached up his aft chute with one finger, curled his fingertip to hook into the turd, and yanked it out. Who wouldn’t turn gay after that story? You guys are all gay now, right?

Second, J. Hi asked “Who’s the best cereal mascot?”

Now, I was never allowed to eat cereal when I was a growing boy. My parents knew that too much sugar made kids hyper and too much playing with the toys that come in cereal boxes makes boys gay.

So I had to think long and hard about this. The best cereal is certainly Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but I don’t remember that having a mascot – so instead I’ll go with Captain Crunch. I actually mentioned him as an exemplar for the upcoming celebration of May as White Men’s History Month, and I think of him as a venerable old gentleman we could all learn something from. Or maybe not. But whatever, he’s not a pirate at least. (He’s not a pirate, is he?)

Tiff actually asked some serious questions, and serious questions, like gays, make me uncomfortable. But I’ll do my best. Just don’t expect this section to be entertaining.

What’s my best memory? My best memory is also probably the most sublime experience of my life: swimming in the Blue Grotto in Capri off the coast of Naples, at sunset, with my best friends all around me and the sea like a giant jewel backlit by fire.

What’s my worst memory? My worst memory is probably any one of several crises of conscience after doing something wrong, or finding out that my mom had cancer.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? Ideally, starting every fifth day for the Cubs. Realistically, who cares? Because I only care about ideally.

Have I ever been in love? Yeah, I think so.

Lil asked what Jake (anonymous) said. I was waaay over it.

Surviving myself asked if I was gay.

In response, I can only say, what are you supposed to do when you’re playing spin the bottle and it happens to land on a guy, and you have to play by the rules? And he sort of slips you the tongue to make other people laugh? And then maybe you blush a little bit and hold your cheeks? Your butt-cheeks. Exactly.

Falwless asked a question I didn’t even understand, but I think she finished by asking if she should sport more cleavage. So the answer to that is obviously yes.

Then later she called me an ass clown, so I’m changing my answer to no! No one wants to see your lame cleavage! I’ve seen better cleavage on a six-year old boy! What? He was kinda fat!

Asiankp went ahead and went there…
Who is my favorite sibling? My sister Mary Elizabeth, who my mom miscarried right before me!
Who is my favorite cousin? It’s a tie between everyone except Jake.
Who is my favorite person that my sister lives with? Her youngest son, Sam. HaHA! Escaped from your Pharisee-esque questions!

Jake then anonymously asked if I am susceptible to any cheeses. As a matter of fact, after my oldest brother poured a full glass of mild down my throat on my first birthday, I became allergic to dairy, and susceptible to all kinds of cheese through most of junior high school. No longer, thankfully.

Malice Blackheart asked why I chose the name Fort Knocks. Unfortunately, this story is boring as hell. I was drinking, and I thought it was an insanely clever pun. In case you haven’t noticed, it isn’t.

Kayleigh asked if I can do the limbo despite being 6’6”. I don’t know, I haven’t really tried it in about ten years, when I was pretty good at it (and 5’4”). If I had to bet, I’d bet on my knees going out before my competitors.

Margarita asked boxers or briefs. This made me glad, because then maybe it will seem less creepy when I say I had a dream about her. Ok, maybe that was more creepy.

Thing is, in the dream, she was more creepy, because she came up behind my while I was eating dinner, put her hand on my left shoulder and introduced herself. But then when I tried to turn around, she kept dodging and ducking behind me so I couldn’t see her face. But I could see that she had long dark hair. Which she probably doesn’t. I should probably stop telling this story now. Boxer-briefs.

And Tiff asked, “is this a trick where you’re like “ask me a question” but you never answer them?” …I don’t know, probably.