Monday, December 3, 2007

I didn't feel like having breakfast, so I got drunk instead

Last night, my sister said, "seriously, AA. You should check it out." I said,"...". Well, I don't remember what I said, but I was sorta drunk at the time, so maybe you should give me a break.

This morning, I woke up feeling very, very Monday. So I started drinking (I mean REALLY Monday), read about Lancelot and Guenever, shaved, and thought about how every guy wants to fall in love with a girl named Jenny.

In Mass on Sunday, I determined that the chief criterion I will employ to find my wife will be whether I can have the following conversation with her:
Me: "Your nose sure is big. I don't want to pass that on to our kids."
Her: "I guess we should adopt."
Me: "I love you."
Her: "OK."
I don't know why this enchants me so much, or why my wife has to have a big nose. But I really liked Cyrano de Bergerac, and Pinocchio's not bad either.

I am, I discovered, the top organic result for a Google search "scorched chowder." I wonder what that person was looking for, and I hope they didn't find it.

Speaking of unnecessary assholism, my cousin told a story on Friday about a former co-worker of his at Starbucks who made up directions to a pet store for a lost lady. When the guy got fired a month later for poor performance, my cousin had to stop him at the door, since the guy was carrying about thirty pounds of coffee. "What are you doing with that?" The guy shrugs. "Ehh, I was trying to steal it." He puts it down, walks out.

I made a paper airplane out of my "Time Worked Request for Payroll" sheet.

And now here's a quiz for you. I debated the title in my head for a while, whether to call it "10 questions that say nothing about you because you taught them not to talk back" or "The quiz that needs more choices" or "Buttrape is a funny word" but I decided on:

The 10 Question Quiz
that just needs an answer

1. The most common mistake parents make in raising their children is
a. giving them too much credit.
b. not giving them enough credit.

2. Celebrities
a. should be effusive and professional.
b. realize that the public spotlight can be used for good.
c. shouldn't affect ordinary people.
d. automatically suck, which is unfortunate, because I want to be a celebrity.

3. I like things to happen
a. gradually
b. suddenly

4. Yearbooks exist because
a. people who are inappropriately proud of their signatures need to sign them.
b. memories are worth holding onto, if only to cry over.
c. no one wants to forget that one dork's eminently punchable face.

5. Hitler chose a cross to represent the Third Reich because
a. he was raised a Catholic in Sweden.
b. Christians hate Jews, just like Hitler.
c. it was a masochistic guilt-trip.

6. In the southern hemisphere
a. the water spins counter-clockwise when you flush the toilet.
b. Christmas is in the summer.
c. the phrase "penal colony" gives people existential etymological questions.
d. I don't want to live
e. Michael Jackson once ate 21 frozen burritos.
f. hemisphere is a neat word.

7. Coffee
a. is dangerously caffeinated (4x coke).
b. helps me go to sleep.
c. was the 8th dwarf- Sneezy's younger brother.

8. Force is
a. unfortunate.
b. necessary.
c. Ben Kenobi
d. His name is Obi Wan, idiot.
e. ok, relax, you nerd.

9. Destiny
a. is what people believe in if their last name ends in "-opoulus."
b. exists.
c. was the name of a stripper I met once.
d. I thought you cared.

10. God is
a. complicated.
b. simple.

For the record, my mom thought the quiz was my way of telling her I was suicidal (I don't think she understood question 6), and the only answer she circled was that force was "necessary."

Final notes: the good thing about getting to work at 10:45 is that it's already 1:00. The noun of the day that people incorrectly use as a verb is: leverage. Also in the running were impact, reference, and upkeep.


Asiankp said...

1. c--not giving a shit.
2. d--this answer is perfect.
3. a--slow and steady wins the race
4. a--its unfortunate but I'm pretty sure I was one of those people who practiced my signature
5. c--??
6. f--f for fun.
7. x--goes well with cigarettes
8. b--totally necessary
9. c--well she wasnt a stripper she was a 13 year old girl and her sister's name was Diamond and her other sister was Precious.
10. a and b.

tiff said...

1. b - kids are geniuses.
2. d, sadly. i'm so confusing
3. b - as much chaos as possible, that's what I always say
4. d - so that sayings like this may exist: "may your life be like toilet paper, long and useful"
5. i always thought it was a lowercase T
6. d- as long as it finishes "down there"
7. b - espresso is the perfect nightime beverage
8. ab - unfortunately neccesary
9. e - a matter of opinion
10. b - simple, if you know the right one.

Simply Curious said...

Mmmm. Alcoholic breakfast.

Pink ditz said...

LOL! this entire post cracked me up, you are hillarious!