Thursday, August 14, 2008

Twenty-somethings suck

I think I’m going to write a book with this title; there’s certainly enough to say. But before I even begin to enumerate the ways in which twenty-somethings suck, perhaps it’s best for us to discuss just what is a twenty-something.

A twenty-something is someone who refers to himself or herself as “twenty-something” or “a twenty-something.” Remember these terms, as they will be important in our conversation. Also remember that they suck. If you are a twenty-something, remember that you suck.

First of all, “twenty-something?” I get pissed when people in their thirties and forties refer to themselves as thirty-something or forty-something. I just think “why?” I’m twenty-two. Next year I will be twenty-three. In fifteen years I will be thirty-seven. Why are you afraid of your age?

Most people who call themselves “forty-something” are at least forty-eight anyway. The guys are balding and struggling with impotence, and the women’s biological clock clicked to a desperate zero nigh on a decade ago. That’s your company when you refer to yourself as twenty-something. Is that the image you’re looking for?

And that’s people in their thirties and forties! You’re in your twenties, for fuck’s sake. You’re not old. You might be a fucking loser, sure. But it’s not because you’re old, it’s because you’re just a loser.

Here’s the bottom line: anyone who’s going to make automatic negative judgments about you based on your exact age is a douchebag. So why do you care what they think? The rest of us are just going to say, “oh, 25. ok. Oh, 29. ok.”

When you refer to yourself as “twenty-something,” what you are saying is that you don’t think your age is cool. You think people who are your age suck.

The problem is, if you think that anyone any age automatically sucks, then you automatically suck. See how that works? Whereas if you just bit the fucking bullet and said, “yeah, I’m 28; yeah, I’m 43,” then who gives a shit? So you’re 28.

It’s just a number, people. And when you try to control it by referring to yourself as a “twenty-something,” all you’re doing is showing everyone around you that your age controls you – that you fear the power of the number. You, who fancy yourself clever and educated, are controlled by a fucking numeral. How sad is that? You suck, that’s how sad it is.

The real question is this: do you consider yourself a disappointment for the age you’re at?

And whichever way you answer, you’re probably right.

So suck it up, stop being a little bitch and grow a pair. You’re 28 after all, right dipshit?


JUSTIN said...

Jeez...I'm 28. Does that I mean I suck?

mckay said...


i'm 47

and awesome!

Nicole said...

Wow. I feel the sudden need to go change my description on a couple of websites.

Anonymous said...

I agree. But have you ever actually forgotten your age? For real, just for a little bit. It happens to me sometimes when I get carded (even when it's a flippant carding by someone I'm probably older than anyway but their forty-something boss is watching so they have to). I'll be like "no no. I'm twenty-one...errr, no I'm twenty....three, yeah that one." Then they eye me and my ID skeptically until I get real nervous like I've been found out or I'm not really that age and they know. It's probably a fear that only people who once tried to buy alcohol when they were under twenty-one get. And it lingers into your twenty-somethings.

A Margarita said...

29 is so going to suck, I can feel it.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I don't act my age. My sense of humor is no more advanced than any kindergartner picked at random.