My Super-Duperficial Contribution: In which I declare my love for deaf women—and they don’t hear me

So I was reading through what Carrie had to say, and enjoying her bit as part of the Deeply Superficial Blog-a-Thon over at South Dakota Dark.

And what can I say? I was inspired. I had to join in the fun. So let me get right down to it.

I’ve told you before how much I love the girl Laura from “The Good Shepherd,” but in case you’ve forgotten, I’ll sum it up for you now: I’m pretty sure that my feelings for Laura are the closest I’ve ever gotten to love.

I got more into it in the previous post, but it makes me nervous to talk about it—obviously, I mean, I’m in love with a person who isn’t real—so let’s just say that thinking about her makes my heart hurt, and leave it at that. What I didn’t mention is the fact that I’ve also got a thing for Marlee Matlin. You know, a big thing. Warm feelings of tenderness.

But I’ve got other crushes, too (Julianne Hough for one), which is why it took me a while to realize the obvious common factor that Laura and Marlee have in common: they’re both deaf. And I both dig it (or something).

So in the spirit of the hour, let’s delve into the superficial reasons why deaf girls get me hot and bothered.

Reason #1. They have that cute “accent.” Yeah, so maybe it’s more of a speech impediment, but let’s not split hairs. When Laura says “I luvf yoo, Edwuhd,” my sacrum gets all puddly. For some reason, deaf girls seem more sincere because they can’t really pronounce the letter R. Perhaps this smacks of innocence to me, of innocent charm and appeal. Because who can’t pronounce Rs? That’s right: sweet little children and sweet little deaf hotties.

Reason #2. They need you. Let’s face the fact: deaf people are disabled; disabled people need help; and everyone loves to be needed. So can I help it that I love the idea of a smoking hot broad who’s totally self-sufficient but still gives me the feeling that she needs me desperately? Can I? No, clearly, I cannot.

Reason #3. They can’t hear you talk shit about them. Anytime your hot deaf girlfriend turns her back, you can complain about how she burned the lasagna because she didn’t hear the oven buzzer, or say really loudly “learn to enunciate!” or even call her a dirty slut, and she won’t bat an eye. She’ll turn back to you with the same light of love in her eyes, and you, relieved of your grievances, will remember the depth of your passion for her. Then the two of you will probably get it on.

Reason #4. They always look at you tenderly. This is the flipside of Reason #3 (as they both spring from the fact that, you know, deaf people can’t hear). Since deaf people, even hot deaf girls, can’t hear you talk, they have to read your lips, which means every time you talk, they’re gazing into your face. Sure, looking at your eyes might be even nicer, but having a lover look at any facial feature is better than having her look at, say, your nipples. I speak from experience here.

Reason #5. They’re truly beneficial in social settings. I’ll just use two examples to illustrate my point here: Firstly, she would be bored as hell at most concerts, just like me! So I could use her as an excuse to never go. Secondly, deaf people, including hot deaf girls, can’t hear farts, even those loud trumpety ones. So when someone lets one go and everyone hears it and acts awkward, she just keeps tossing her hair and talking in sign language, or whatever it is hot deaf girls do. Then, two minutes later, she smells it and goes “AWWW!! Hoo jusht hrippt one?! Thatsh naastee!” and everyone has a good laugh.

Anyway, that's my take. Any hot deaf girls out there, you can tell I'm a keeper, right? Feel free to give me a call. Actually, an email would probably work better.