A summary of the campaigns, for you politically ignorant

First of all, the primaries in New Hampshire are today. The Granite State leaps to the forefront! Wait a minute, I'm sorry, could you please pick a more boring state nickname? Jeez, even Missouri's, which I don't understand (Show-me State? What? Show me what?) is better than the Granite State. It's like, duh, blah! Maybe call it the Clay State, or the Dull State, or the State of Apathy.

But anyway, since I'm sure none of you know who any of the candidates are, I will list them and explain their platforms:

Democrats

1. Barack Obama. Obama, who believes himself to be the most charming of the candidates (except for Edwards, who is gay and doesn't count), is the candidate of change. This is why he thinks he can be the first black man to win the presidency. Paradoxically, Obama refuses to changes his name, which is almost identical to America's ultimate-enemy-terrorist-megalord.

2. Hillary Clinton. Clinton has a frightening face, which, when combined with the gruesome contortions of her feminine weeping-on-stage, will certainly frighten terrorists and children far more than the George-W-I'm-happy-go-lucky-and-also-sorta-dumb look. Hillary is very well-educated and intelligent, which is why she married Bill Clinton, a marquee husband.

3. John Edwards. Edwards is the socialist candidate, who believes in ruling with an iron fist and softly coiffed hair. His inspirations are the Lion King, Vladimir Lenin, and Jesus. Is also gay.

4. Other democrats. There's that one crazy guy who thought he saw a UFO, and maybe some other ones, but no one really cares.


Republicans

1. John McCain. John McCain served honorably in Vietnam, but wasn't a good enough soldier to escape capture. Since his return in 1982, he has lost every presidential election, and had a large cancerous mole removed from his head. He is the only Republican that doesn't hate Mexicans.

2. Mitt Romney. Romney's positions are difficult to determine, as he has waffled on pro-choice vs. pro-life, Mormons=polygamists vs. Mormons=monogamous, and waffles vs. pancakes. He is extremely rich, and in his campaign he has repeatedly vowed to use his wealth for his campaign. He is appealing in that creepy-uncle kind of way.

3. Mike Huckabee. Mike Huckabee used to be a fat preacher, but he fell away from the faith and carbs. He spurred himself to a stunning victory in Iowa by appealing to voters' traditional religious beliefs and by winning a heavyweight pumpkin-pie-eating contest at the state fair. It looks like Huckabee is back on the wagon.

4. Rudy Giuliani. Giuliani was the mayor of New York at the time of the 2001 terror attacks, and he went to a lot of Yankees games at that time wearing FDNY hats. No one knows what he has been doing since then, but people across the nation are inspired by his leadership, his lack of an upper lip, and his fearless delusion that somehow an ex-mayor who has never held federal office can be elected president. Also hates Mexicans.

5. Fred Thompson. Fred Thompson was an actor on Law & Order who convinced himself he had learned enough about law on the show to run for president. He is very old and speaks slowly, leading people to wonder whether he is senile, retarded, or just very Southern. Hates fellow Southerner John Edwards.

6. Ron Paul. Paul is pretty much crazy. No one knows why he is running, since he is basically an anarchist, but college kids have jumped on the bandwagon and raised him an inexplicable amount of money. He does not believe in taxes, God, or Mexicans.