Men are from Mars; Women are Retarded, Part Two

In the last post, I gave you the rundown on everything a girl needs to know about dating protocol, every pansexual ounce of wisdom I had gleaned from blogs and comments innumerable. Today, I am pleased to bring you the other half of the story.

You know what women are thinking. Now I will tell you what the men are thinking.

Unfortunately, I’m afraid many of you will be disappointed with the answer here: Jerry Seinfeld was right. You want to know what men are thinking? … nothing.

If a guy doesn’t call a girl after a date, and then calls six days later and says, “sorry, I forgot to call…” he’s probably not playing mind games. He probably forgot.

Men cannot understand women because women are complicated and emotional and irrational.

Women cannot understand men because men are honest.

Example:

Woman: Which earrings look better with this dress?
Man (doesn’t know): I don’t know.
Woman (thinking): Oh my gosh, what is he getting at? Which ones did I have on first? Which ones are more like the ones I wore on our first date? Why is he being so complicated?
Man (thinking while scratching his butt): Princess Leia was kind of freaky-nasty for making out with her brother, remember, in Empire Strikes Back?
Woman (thinking): His silent treatment is stressing me so badly—ugh, I’m about to break out.
Man (thinking): I hope she didn’t hear me just fart.

In a way, the differences between men and women boil down to their very different understanding of a few words and phrases. These are they:

Spontaneous (for men): unexpected; without effort or premeditation; unplanned. Spontaneous activities for men include surprising a girl with flowers, adlibbing profanity at a karaoke bar, and taking a dump after heading to the bathroom just to pee.

Spontaneous (for women): really pleasant things that guys do for them, usually with some prompting or set-up by the woman. For example, if a woman receives a compliment on, say, a necklace, she will wear it again at a later date, knowing that the man will spontaneously compliment her. If he says nothing immediately, she will draw attention to the necklace so that he can give her a spontaneous compliment.

This word can cause special confusion in the case of pregnancy.

“Meet my friends” (for men): meet my friends, talk to them, hang out with them. They are cool people that I get along with, and I’d expect you to get along with them too.

“Meet my friends” (for women): I am taking this relationship seriously, and I think you might be “the one” for me. I am stressed to the extreme about how you will all get along, but if it goes well, you could meet my parents as soon as next week.

Which brings us to “The One” (for women): a guy who has twinkly eyes, rubs the small of your back, picks up his own dirty socks and pays for your cab. Oh yeah, and also you get along really well.

“The One” (for men): an underrated Jet Li movie with some intense ass-kicking scenes. Some cheesy animation shots take away from a pretty solid kung-fu shoot-’em-up.

“The game” (for women): the dating scene. The whole complicated process that takes so long to get “back in” after you find out that your boyfriend sometimes uses dirty silverware and have to break up with him.

“The game” (for men): is on tonight at 7 and I’m going to drink beer and watch it. Or did you mean that really trippy Michael Douglas movie?

“Fine” (for men): fine.

“Fine” (for women): I can’t believe you are such a dick. I’m not talking about this any more.

“This whole post is ridiculous” (for men): who cares? Yes, everyone knows they’re irrational; there’s no need to obsess about it.

“This whole post is ridiculous” (for women): How did you attain such immense and piercing insight into the female psyche? How?! Can I be with you? Are you “the one” that I’ve been wading through “the game” for? Will you please meet my friends, spontaneously?