For real, like, for real

This week, there have been multiple posts here and there that I've come across, wherein people (girls) have batshit ideas, I mean, bat ideas back and forth on the subject of dating or pre-dating intersexual communication. Well.

As far as I can tell, the following are the important strategies to take away from these girl-on-girl brainstorming sessions. Just so we're clear, these are not multiple choice questions, these are all positively the right thing to do.

On whether to text him:
1. Do not, ever, even if he texts you first. Wait for him to text you first.
2. Text him.
A. If he responds, ignore him; he is desperate.
B. If he doesn't respond, ignore him; he is a dick.
3. If he texts you first, text him, but only after waiting three days or at least ten minutes.
4. Text him tonight, but only if you're not drinking.
5. Only text him if you're drunk.

On giving out your number:
1. Do not give him your number unless you would go on a date with him.
Exception: if you have a boyfriend but don't want to hurt this guy's feelings, you can give him your number.
2. Give him your number if you would regret not giving it later, even if he doesn't ask.
3. Don't give him your number unless he asks, unless you are dating someone else and he looks lonely so you give him your number never planning to answer any of his calls.
4. Give him your number if he is wearing a yellow jacket.

If he calls you:
1. Don't answer, but call him back if he leaves a message.
2. Don't answer the first time, but if he calls back, answer.
3. Don't answer the first two times, and if he calls a third time, answer and say, "stop calling me, creep!"
4. Answer and pretend to be a sushi delivery service. If he suddenly becomes more interested, tell him it is shark sushi. If he still doesn't hang up, tell him they are live sharks.
5. Answer and make a date for at least two days later. Call your girlfriend to make plans for the same night.
6. Invite him over right then for a movie and possibly foreplay.

About that date:
1. Do not cancel unless it is raining or a day with a "U" in it. This is a sign from God that you should make a "U-turn" on this "relatiunship".
2. Keep it simple, like meeting for a drink or movie.
3. Don't do a movie for a first date, there is no time for conversation. Do dinner.
4. Don't do dinner; it's too long and expensive if the date turns out to be a dud.
5. Do dinner at a nice place with a good wine list. See if he's stingy.
6. Do dinner at a local joint. Go dutch.
7. Never go dutch on a first date.
8. Agree to a second date if he has pretty eyes or is a professional athlete or if he didn't try to sell you drugs during the date.
Exception: If you think he was joking about the drugs, or if you actually bought some drugs, you can accept a second date.
Exception to the exception: If they were low quality drugs, no second date.

If he calls after the first date within 48 hours:
1. Tell him you had a great time, but you just got out of a serious relationship, and you don't date circus performers anyway.
2. Propose, then back off it, then start crying.
3. Insist on paying for the second date.
4. Insist that just because he is paying for the second date does not mean you will put out. Say, "the only thing I will put out is your libido, you pervert." After you're engaged, tell him you were joking.
5. Ask him why he's been so distant, and if he is seeing other women.

If he calls you after the first date after 48 hours have passed:
1. Ask him which side of his family he got the asshole gene from.
2. Tell him you're glad to hear from him, and that a family member just died.
3. Threaten to kill yourself if he doesn't give you more attention.
4. Say "well, well, well," after everything he says until he gets exasperated and hangs up. Mix in "well, well, well, you dick!" every so often.
5. Offer him a few excuses like "I'm sure you've been busy," and ask him if he's ever had a threesome. Immediately hang up and change your number.

If he doesn't call:
1. What do you mean? You should have called him the next morning.
2. Send him a text after a week.
3. Never text him.
4. Wait to see him in a social setting and try to spit in his drink or kick him in the crotch if possible. Doing both is a bonus.
5. Pretend he is calling, and you are ignoring it.
6. He didn't deserve you, and you're glad he didn't call.
7. Unless he's really cute. Then, hopefully, he'll call one of these days.