Babies, young and otherwise

I just saw some random personality's blog who was describing their experience of getting Brody Jenner's phone number mysteriously and calling only to be answered by Spencer Pratt. I was delighted and jealous in equal parts because it was only recently that I decided to make Spencer my Buddha and reconstruct my chi around the tenets of his aurawesomeness. I wish I could get my hands on that number. In the meantime, here are my favorite Spencer quotes, which also currently adorn the walls of my facebook page.

"All right, then here’s what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna start dating Nicole Richie. And you’re gonna get that skinny bitch to eat, all right? You are about to become The Guy Who Got Nicole Richie to Eat. Process that shit, bro. You’ll be, like, a fucking hero to America."

--Spencer Pratt

“Basically, I made it, like, my mission to try to go on a date with every girl on The Hills.”

--Spencer Pratt

"Remember when we denied that Heidi ever had plastic surgery? Yes, on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show we literally said NO when he asked if Heidi has ever had her body surgically augmented, and said that her breasts were real. But now we’re telling the truth because we do whatever we can to make more money! Who cares about integrity or honesty? Who cares about being happy with one’s own natural body? Is that who I am? Is that who Heidi is? NO WAY!"

--Spencer Pratt

"I get that the show is about her and we’re just there because of Lauren, but man. Why can’t me and Heidi just be famous already? How many people do we have to backstab? Do I have to get a nose job and boob job too just to get some attention around here?!"

--Spencer Pratt

"Sweet. My answer is get outta my car."

--Spencer Pratt

"Oh, I am K-Fed. I am K-Fed!"

--Spencer Pratt

"You gotta realize that I went on that [date] to Pinkberry with Audrina [Patridge] just so that Heidi would find out. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought Audrina was remotely cute. That was a play to get Heidi."

--Spencer Pratt

"[Lauren]'s a douche. It's like, go get your own boyfriend!"

--Spencer Pratt

"That friendship is over. It's like Bush and Cheney, and you wouldn't see Cheney rolling with Bin Laden in the club."

--Spencer Pratt

"I watch the show, and I would hate me too. But if we called my grandma right now, you would know she wears a button with my face on it that says 'I'm Spencer Pratt's grandma.' I swear."

--Spencer Pratt

"get the skinny bitch to eat."

--Spencer Pratt

"My new plan is to keep everything secret like a ninja. Too many ideas are taken from me. I wouldn’t even know where to start with that one. My hustle is just too crazy. I’m trying to take over the world."

--Spencer Pratt

That guy is just cool. No two ways about it.

On to the next item of business. An interesting transition takes place in the metabolic events of young children (i.e. babies) as they become gastrointestinally self-aware. Young babies don't even poop. They make no action; poop comes out of the baby, the baby is surprised but accepting, and mom changes the diaper. In fact, many of the times poop comes out of babies, it downright startles them.

But then comes the first phase of pooping. Perhaps the fecal matter is firming up, perhaps the kids have just discovered the real joy of bearing down on a big one, but kids begin to poop. And when they do, they hide. Kids who are pooping (as opposed to babies having poop come out of them) into diapers always hide, or at least avoid eye contact while they're working. Many times, a kid will hide behind or in between furniture to escape the gaze of prying eyes.

And then with toilet-training comes the second phase, comes the transition. As soon as the kid poops in the toilet, his shame is gone. Perhaps he feels vindicated, accepted, a part of the adult world. Mom and dad poop like this; now I poop like this. What do I have to worry about any more? But I'm sure you know the image all too well: A month ago this child was grunting himself beet red underneath the coffee table, or grinding his teeth between the ottoman and the loveseat, and now he's perched on the very front of the toilet seat, balanced percariously like a little pink gargoyle in the cathedral of the powder room. And he's having a fine time. Door cast wide open, peeking out or looking around, satisfied and comfortable. As long as his balance is good (it's gotta be tough-- I mean, imagine trying to sit on a five-foot wide toilet bowl with your feet hanging three feet in the air).

And then, all things having been accomplished in due course, the little person can't be expected to clean himself from such a delicate roost. So, "Mommmmmmm! Mommmmm?? I'm donnnne!! MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!" silence

"MOMMMMMMMMMM!" ...nothing

"ANYBODY!!!!!"

I tell ya, there are a lot of good things about being a kid, but pooping is not one of them.